Last week I felt completely defeated. Just completely! I felt like I had no gifts and that I would never be a medical missionary. Why did i feel that way? Well for a number of reasons.
1.) my hormones, that needs no further explanation.
2.) I was talking to my Dad on skype and I mentioned that I wasn't learning too much spanish, and he said he was disappointed. If there is one thing that gets my guilt going, its my Dad saying he is disappointed.
3.) I really wanted to hold one of the babies that was just born but I was to shy to directly asked, when the midwifes daughter found out she asked for me and said that you can't be shy if you want to me a nurse.
4.) I prayed for opportunities to speak spanish and God graciously gave me an awesome one that i chickened out on.
5.) I was chatting with someone on facebook who was making the most of their trip to another part of the world.
So yah after all this, I felt guilty, like i wasn't doing something i should have been doing, like i wasn't making the most of my trip. So at night I sat on my bed and said, "I can't do this." Immediately, I heard, no you can't, not without me anyway." I knew God was right, I can't see opportunities if they are right in front of me, I can't speak spanish if I try, but with HIS help, I can. So I prayed for opportunities to serve him, to learn more, for knowledge to know what to do when, and for courage to try new things. And i went to bed.
The next morning, the midwife's husband started to talk to me in spanish, and I started to answer the question suddenly realizing that that wasn't what he asked. Then i stopped talking and said, wait, what did you say. He sort of laughed and the others smiled. But immediately, I knew exactly what he asked, it wasn't like i was thinking about it, i was frozen in fear, it was more like the exact meaning literally popped in my head. Then exactly what to say popped in my head to, all of a sudden I was just explaining what i thought he said and why i said what i said. I knew how to say everything i said, but it was definitely a gift from God how I was all of a sudden saying it, he literally forced the words out of me, because sometimes i am scared to speak in spanish.
Later on that morning I was walking into the nursing homes drive way and I started to feel a little bit defeated again. But all of a sudden, I felt my hand being held. You would think that would freak me out, seeing as there was no body beside me, but it was so comforting, a reminder that I was not alone. Then i realized that it was my right hand and I was reminded of the verse For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:3. I knew right then and there that I had nothing to fear.
Throughout the day, God was indeed helping me giving me nudges to go do certain things, or check up on certain people that turned out to be very important.
For example when I got there, i felt the need to go into the women's bedroom, so i obeyed. When i entered i found one of the ladies lying on her bed. I asked her how she was, she said she wasn't doing very well and she thought she was going to die soon. She speaks a native language mixed with spanish so I am not sure if i understood everything that was going on, but she thought she was going to die soon, but that it wouldn't be so bad, because then she would be with God, but she wanted to see her daughter before she died, and that she was sick, but the nurse was out of pills that she needed. Anyway she started to cry alot. I hugged her, and rubbed her back, and told her that whereever she went God would go with her, and that she had a family at the home, even if her real family wasn't with her. I felt God nudging me to pray for her. I ignored it for a bit, but then just went for it. So i bowed my head, and asked God to care for her, thanked him for his love for her, and asked him to go with her. I am not sure if she even understood what i was doing, but she was nodding in agreement when i said God loves her. It felt good to obey God.
Then later, the nurse was gone for a few minutes, and a senior came to me about a stomach ache, so when the nurse came back, I told him, that the specific senior wanted to talk to him, the nurse left for the bedroom. Pretty soon, i felt a nudging to go see if the nurse had found the correct senior. Sure enough he hadn't! I asked the senior if he still wanted to talk to the nurse, he said yes, but that te nurse wasn't there yet (he is sligtly blind). The nurse started to walk out the room, without talking to him, so i called after him and said he needs your help.
Another point in the day I felt a nudging to stay with Don Juanito a while after I gave him his pills. Don Juanito, is the man i have previously written about it, who went to the hospital. Well the other nurse was wondering why i wasn't going with him as soon as i handed him the pills, but i told him I was going to stay with Juan a while. Its a good thing i did, because he wasn't able so swallow any of his pills, and spit them back up. I know i am not suposed to diagnose, but if i could, i would diagnose him as palliative, he is so much worse then just one month ago. He can't swallow, he doesn't have hunger and he can't hold his own chest or head up. After I helped him clean up what he has spit up and gave him some water. He started to cry. Now Don Juan barely ever cries, even when he was in the hospital he was smiling and laughing. But i think that now, he has had enough. I think he knows he is dying, but unlike the lady i talked about earliear, Don Juan has no family, and he was sad that he was so alone. So i hugged him, comforted him and rubbed his back, And again felt the nudging to pray for him out loud. So I did.
Another time, in the same day, I was bathing one women and i noticed something on her buttock, and i thought i should tell the nurse, i knew God wanted me to. but i started to make up excuses about why i wouldn't, for one, i didn't think they would do anything, and for another thing, i didn't know how to explain it properly in spanish. As soon as i thought that the nurse came by, when the women was just putting her pants on so I could show the nurse the sore. I know God himself set that up, so i wouldn't have excuses. We have since then realized that is a pressure ulcer and the head nurse and I are doing our best to change her positions as often as possible.
This day was last week, and since then i have continuously prayed that God would show me opportunities every where I go to make the most of my trip. Whether it be in the birthing center, with people I know, at home or at the nursing home, God is giving me his strength to SEIZE THE DAY!
-Emma
I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart.” Psalm 40:8 (NLT)
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